5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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