My liver just broke up with me...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
whose parrot is this?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
