At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
