Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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