so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
