but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
