I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
