Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
