take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize