My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
