I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
