I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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