i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
