walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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