So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
