The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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