this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I cut my penus on the lid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
