Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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