dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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