im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize