and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
