I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
