I just threw up on my dentist
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
