Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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