she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
