I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
