Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
