after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
