so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
