Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
