So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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