I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
