my soul wont recognize me after tonight
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
