I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
