There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
