And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Panties = found
Randomize
