After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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