Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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