She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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