We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
