if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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