One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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