Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
