Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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