One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
be right there i have to get my cape
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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