K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just threw up on my dentist
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
