Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
