I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize