I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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