So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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