Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
