I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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