I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
