note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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