Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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