this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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