I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
