DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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