My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have post one night stand depression
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