I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
