I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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