my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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