Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
