she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize